Please be patient with yourselves. Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. Im a liar! My cherished wife died by suicide almost a month ago after nearly 10 years together. My sister in law ended her life on 8/6/2018. He was my favorite person as what he never did was give up. Yesterday, while I cleaned, I literally imagined that I was preparing my house for him to move in, and then while I walked I imagined discussing a treatment plan with him. Became to much to bear. His friends where my friends and vice versa. He was out with his true friends just before. Nobody had the time or patience. And even the few times I would think of him, I didnt act. It is hard to hold out hope but try until you cant any longer many people are suffering confide in those who know what you are going through peace be with you. He had been planning for almost a year. At 54, shes dead in her bed, and we dont know why. You can do this. You were a shining star here on earth, but now you shine up in the sky. The police took her phone and her diary. If you are seriously thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/, someone November 2, 2020 at 11:08 am Reply, John, I know it might be too late but dont please I know how you feel but trust me pls dont, think about how your family is going to feel, Im 13 and I know you might not take my words seriously but theres a lot to live for so please dont do it if your seeing this. Kim, you are not to blame for your sons death, for which I am deeply sorry, otherwise I am to blame for my sons death because of depression. They are available 24 hours a day, every day. I know most of you are used to sayingcommitted suicide andyou certainly arent alone. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. People say I am strong. Only hope is that eventually will start to feel better. I hope to enrich my childrens lives for as long as I can, and be the big sister that would have made my brother proud. Considering the stuff you mentioned about him. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. Some days will be better than others and over time you will begin to smile and laugh again. I know its not fair, that Cassie was sick but I hate we did so much, tried so hard loved her so much and it didnt matter in the end. Although I sometimes feel that we are alone, I realize that others have walked the same path. Thank you for you article, Barbara J. You will never get over them per se, instead life will hopefully get easier as you learn to live with them. My older brother was found dead only a few weeks ago. She called the cops who pulled me off of the railing of the bridge right before I was about to jump. Young adolecents are particularly at risk and need to be taught emotional resilance. Suicide is the biggest killer of men in the UK under 50. Im also sending love to you with the hope that it helps, even a little bit. There is a common theme. I just feel like Im drowning ? It feels like eating before everyone gets their food part of me just wants to fucking wait for him to catch up to where I am. This week has been a very trying time, and Im not sure if I am subconsciously grieving in anticipation of the date, or putting myself in his circumstances at the time, but my heart has felt so, so, heavy. He wrote his final goodbye video to my son on Facebook last week before his death . Stef December 13, 2018 at 2:57 am Reply. Jovanie Serrano, Heather Thorne April 18, 2022 at 11:35 am Reply. Try and overlook the emotions your feeling long enough to sit and think whatever it was that made your Dad make that call was bigger then his love for you and it was a darkness that was just too much for him. Another important description for me which resonates in everything I do is I am a widow who lost my husband to suicide 12 years ago. Most of all, I cannot shake the feeling that I could have done something, that I could have been more present, more aware, that I should have seen the signs. Please Please Please get help. My boyfriend/fianc/husband. And I also did not want to burden anyone else again about my feelings and be done with this. Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelingsand that all your feelings are normal. Potentially traumatic deaths can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. It iscommon for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies, when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. And it wasnt just his close friends. You sound like an incredibly resilient person; that is something to be proud of. He got a really good job and his own apartment. Jessica, Im so very sorry for your loss. Jamey December 23, 2018 at 10:56 pm Reply, Im so very sorry for what your going through. We just put his ashes into the Atlantic ocean, which is what he wanted done with his cremated remains whenever he died. My son could not have been in his right mind to kill himself. Some of them still in packages. The comments here have been helpful to read and know that we are not alone in surviving this awful experience. She was going to a therapist. If I think of something else that seems important I will come back and add it. He told all the family he loved them by video weeks before. That later in life they will be able to understand. Our 21 year old boy strangled himself to death inside his locked room yesterday. I am so sorry for your pain and loss. My partner took his life 8 months ago and my sister was there for support. Im 21, my younger brother (18) and step sister (18) and I are clinging to each other. I do things that I know my brother would enjoy doing, para-sailing, for example. Id never seen my father cry until this and I am struggling as I have to go back to school to teach soon. Each time he came out alive. It might be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. He doesnt go anywhere without it. I dont understand this either. While it affected my life in so many ways, I know today that there was nothing I could have done to save a person who was intent on ending his life. If only there were something I could do to help them heal. October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. Your sisters and mom are coping in their own way. It meant to much to me and continues to mean so much to me, to know that, at least twice a month (our group meets twice a month), I can be assured that I can be real with others who have walked a similar path. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. My 16 year old daughter lost a friend to suicide a couple of weeks ago. So much more I cannot fit here now. He was depressed for the past few years but we never realized how depressed he was. not at all. Keep on keeping on Benjamin ..its good to hear from people who are just being themselves. Committed robbery, committed arson, committed murder. Little Jack is a clone of his daddy. The day he died my husband was told to name a price & not to worry about the amount. Lorraine Malonson April 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm Reply. Useless questions. I had tried to help my little brother for years. Still am physically ill when I cant get my head around his suicide. My own life gets shorter each day, and I recognize this. I got to the house and her mother invited me in for tea. my brother killed himself and i blame myself. He married and had two children. With an unflinching . I received a call from my sister around 530 AM, and found it troubling just in itself. That will be my gial to honour her. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. Divorced for about 9 years she had re-married 6 years ago. He used two handguns at the same time so I know it wasn an accident. Struggling at home. When Taylor Porco's brother, Jordan, died by suicide . He was 20 years old and he was so smart and funny and was always helping me and his brother. They tried for 20 minutes, but I think I knew it was pointless before then by the gurgling sound his lungs made. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. Its just I miss and love and regret so much now. If i hadnt of been so busy with my life i could have phoned my mum who was in the house with him and told her. If love was enough, he would still be here. Im sorry, but i say my mother committed suicide. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. Seeing in your own eyes how your father died in the middle of the night was so painful. I started to get some randomly painful feeling in my gut?? I know she was stubborn and had a strong spirit desperately trying to escape a diseased brain that was dealing with way to many issues. It is your right to live the best life you know how. A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. I am really sorry for your loss of your dear Brother I really am. Leesa Becker January 22, 2019 at 6:41 am Reply. I dont have a good answer, except you just do. It isnt a piece on how to do or not do it, just a piece reflecting on how people react to suicide loss and how that is complicated. This is really hard. He wasnt my best friend or anything maybe like a good friend at most so part of me is always telling myself that I shouldnt be hurting right now. the Rx worked great for his prostate BUT my happy laid back 66 year old surfer (who ran circles around many of his younger friends) started having panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression run in my family so I was able to offer her good advice and accept the way she was feeling without judging her. My brother. I learned to survive one day at a time. The men we think are the strongest sometimes are the ones in the most pain and best at hiding it. Because I left him. tomorrow my daughter who she loved turns two. I got home on Saturday morning about 8ish and my neighbor was coming down the stairs as I was walking up and he said to me, your dog has been running around all night. my heart was jackrabbiting as I tried to be calm and cuddle him a bit. I dont cry all day but i wish i could. But, some of the best things Ive ever experienced came when things were the darkest. It hasnt gotten any easier, yet. I have had numerous back surgeries, implanted morphine pumps, and spinal injections. Its been 24 hours and theres no signs of him or his vehicle. My heart is in a million pieces. Yes it does hurt and it does stay with you, it changes everything about the person you once were. Nobody can take that from me, ever. I am working on forgiving myself even though my friends say there is nothing to forgive. All I can say is I dont know how, but you keep going. As a side effect, I view other tragedies through the filter of trauma. But he kept refusing. That he will never call me again xxxx. Eleanor June 15, 2016 at 12:17 pm Reply. He and I met many years ago, and we felt so intrigued-we recognized each other and wanted very much to date, but I was very scared and pulled away. I am so sorry. Every night I think about everything that I got to see and feel and love, and then remember that hes not here. She was a heavy heroin user but had decided to get clean. Today makes it 5 years since my father shot himself. And I will never love a man the way I did John. Focus on the happier moments and try to live your life to its fullest even with your broken hearts. I think Im losing my mind. I did notice that he was a bit distant at times but I had blamed that on the medication. For her to do this with her daughter and niece and I there she had to of really been hurting more than I could have ever understood. No two are the same I say do what feels right for you. Laquita Hughes March 25, 2021 at 10:33 pm Reply, my childhood friend just killed himself and its hard because he tried to visit me a month ago. As Im writing this its hard to see threw the tears. I tried to catch him but he was much faster than me and i wasn't in a good state as it was. If you think it would be helpful, have you tried speaking with your mother about the potential of reading his letter? We had the suicide conversation numerous times over the past 3 years; I knew his plan. I knew something was off I called multiple times and headed to where she was. We were naive also, but we are trying to remember good memories of her, and hard lessons that she has taught us. And thats probably on the low end considering almost everyone in my life knows how my mom died and Im sure people police themselves around me more as a result! This hurts in so many ways and I am left with questions that I imagine I will never have the answers to. This website has many resources and information about support groups for families who have lost a loved one to suicide. Jamey December 23, 2018 at 11:12 pm Reply. And then theres the loneliness. I will never forget you or get over you. I need help, Im empty and vulnerable to pull this trigger here in this cold garage, where I now sleep alone. Then three months later that feeling got a little better: I knew I was alive but still, I felt a black cloud over my head. Jen I am so sorry. I just wanted to find help or anything similar sure you know you feel very Alone. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. Some even think that she would have take me with her if I was there. I just wanted to reach out to you and say I will pray for us both. I divorced him in Jan 2021 but we continued our relationship living together. I went out to turn my car off and chose to listen to music for awhile. Hi Cristina, my sister jumped in front of a train last week and those who were close to her are all still in shock. I lost my husband to suicide in 2019!! Unfortunately I am there taking care of a mother always weeping which is a reminder at all times. I suffered a major heart attack and PE clot last year and thought wow at least my ex wife would have been here if I hadnt have made it, heck she was at the foot of my bed when I woke up, I was at her hospital. He was an alcoholic. It kills me! He would do anything for us. This doesnt mean that the person grieving the loss wouldnt trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they dont also feel intense pain and sadness. Youll find a way to keep on and be a good person. He had a strange relationship with his brother, which he stated he felt second best. He paid me alimony uninterrupted until about 8 months ago when he started being late or missing payments. But I got worried at his absence and checked to find him, discovering then that he was dead. I am a mess right now. We feel guilty for not checking sooner although everything written says not our fault I dont know how we get past this. I just had the worst story and tragedy in my life I live in Toronto for 7 years, got married 5 years ago with my dream girl and have 2 beautiful girls our life was an example to every one with just working as workers and a very little income but more enough to cover our expenses.. he loved me abd even wore a pic of me around his neck growing up. Do NOT be ashamed to have that need or to advocate for yourself. I often wonder what I did wrong and why so many others have great support from them. Im 34 now, and just had a dream he killed someone else in front of me. But for all I know he could of had plans to kill me then himself. And that he was in pain. Edit: Mentally and emotionally exhausted but reading through these comments and truly taking them to heart. Im so sorry for your loss. I would hold a grudge. I feel i brought the most stability to her life when she was in kindergartenin a short span of time she was enrolled in 2 different kindergarten schools and I told my daughteryou cannot do thisyou got away with it when she was a baby but she needs stability now-she needs to be in the same school and so my daughter and granddaughter moved in with me. I want to leave the town where we live. Right before his suicide, I started my first job out of college and moved to a new state. Me too. Insomnia and the overwhelming sadness day after day, some not able to function is no quality of life. Thank u Houston, jasmine September 20, 2017 at 6:22 pm Reply. I lost my mom to suicide 7 months ago. here seems like a good place to just, i dont know, put it out? I struggled to figure out what to take to heart, what to ignore, what to respect, when to hold him accountable. I knocked on his door to say goodbye as I left to work, he answered OK and said I love you Mom and I replied I love you too Two hours later, as seen on the Ring video, he walks with a shotgun he bought the day before, to the back of the garage and shot himself in the face. This has torn me apart literally. The aftermath never goes away. Please talk to someone- reach out. Looking back now what I thought was him asking us to help him with her as we did always anyway wasnt him reaching out. And that his kindness was laced with volatility, and that more often. 9/9/2020 12:26 PM PT. I try to remember the good times , but I always end up envisioning what his death was like. I just hope Im not screwing myself up more feeling this way. Put off major decisions if you can. So many strange thoughts. Im sorry to hear about your friend and step dad. He stopped taking medicine 3 months ago, against all advice. My Mom had been with my Dad for 32 years, and built her entire life around him. Please dont. MARIANNE MALONEY April 7, 2018 at 8:49 am Reply, My husband died by suicide 9/21/16 and was found by our young son the day played out with just enough guilt to last me a lifetime We argued about him sleeping in his office chair at 10 am- he had a history of drinking and anxiety meds use. That her addiction just made worse. His wife was going to leave him and told him to do everyone a favor and kill himself. Im here to help also. Sure yeah, I looked great but felt lousy. Selfishly, I would still rather he still be here alive and part of the family. About five weeks ago, our son hung himself. It still hurts and I wake up thinking about him, all day and night. My poor dad found my brother at his place of work mums distraught how are they ever going to recover from this. we didnt see it coming at all. Angela, What a great analogy, a tornado that sucked you into its center. Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. Please stay strong. Im the only child and although 45 and have my own kids I feel like a sunken ship. Because I was protecting his children we only had phone communication. He was struggling with depression, insecurities, and trust issues. Do I need to join a group? Although its been 30 years its affected everything I do and say. My brother shot himself on November 20,2019. i am really down right now so my comments are not to refreshing, Cheryl September 8, 2016 at 9:29 pm Reply. He had reached the edge of the woods by the time I caught up with him. My beloved 16 year old grandson took his life on Nov. 15, 2018. No note, no reason therefore no answers. His friend says I followed my instincts and avoided so much pain. My heart breaks for you Tessa. I just found this site and decided to share. Somehow I found this site and I think it is helpful to read about other people who have experienced this horror because unless you have, I feel it would be hard to understand the gravity of the loss. This is fucking sad and hard and pretending that it isn't just makes it worse. Its the most vacant feeling. And I want to cry when I look at his boys. Meanwhile, his Spirit/Soul is with you everyday, here on Earth. I have no children around me to talk to, I was referring to other adults that I had/have to break the news to. Michelle July 24, 2020 at 3:19 am Reply. Then over the last 2years his loss of marriage his relationship with his children and loss of business. She could be mean, but she stood up for her friends. My grandaughters boyfriend shot himself while she was in the bathroom, horrible, that was a year ago, she is doing okay now but it has been a long haul. Approximately 90%of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders. He was the sole provider and we are going to have to move and start over somewhere new, to get away from the horrible memory of that day at this house. I honestly dont know how I will get through an entire lifetime with this kind of sadness on my shoulders and in my heart. Now we live in the countryside with some woods on one side of our property, which is the way he was heading. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. When I received the devastating news I couldnt breathe, I still dont feel as though it actually happened. She also displayed manic behaviors , silly happy, shopping binges , and rages. Aibon February 8, 2017 at 11:56 pm Reply, I say my brother took his life bc killed himself feels rude. I want to do well for my children but when I look at what Im up against I realize there is no way I can beat her and my childrens childhood is lost to me no matter how hard I fight. For me there is such a difference in grieving between a death from a physical cause and a suicide. That he didnt want to hurt people he loved, but he wasnt capable. there are no words to describe how im feeling im truely heart broken. The letters that he left for me said he didnt want to live on this earth without me. He had recently had a drug problem. He just had better means to do so. Although he recently just passed I have also lost both of my parents and two of my friends. Another stressor was that David was awarded custody of his daughter, and this created extra effort to get in many ways to provide a good upbringing for her. Yet, he took his life, just when I thought he was happy and doing well. Kelly McLaughlin August 20, 2020 at 12:26 am Reply. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. I had talked to him the night before. Richard McDonald October 13, 2020 at 12:01 am Reply. On the second day it suddenly hit me that to be a young woman between the ages of 12 and 16 and lose your mother to unexpected suicide Isa potentially life-wrecking traumatic event that could potentially affect these children for decades, or longer. Theresa the worldwide Compassionate Friends organization may help you. My young son took his life at 16. He also sent texts to other people, I found out during the later part of the day. They had my grandson move the car out to give them room. Julie, Im so sorry for your loss. You will likely need support for all of your life please take it. This is a nightmare. And now this, what do I do now? If I only knew he was diagnosed I could maybe have got the guns out of the house? He is free of all the mental anguish that plagued him here on this Planet. I dont think it will ever get easier in a few days is my 26th birthday Im still a baby I dont have a father or mother in my life anymore.
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